my journey with self-love
the catalyst for finding love in myself was ironically in the rubble of my broken relationship.
in the months after being broken up with I had a lot of time to reflect on myself. it would have been easy to blame him but where would that have left me? bitter, angry, alone - still stuck in the same place I didn’t want to be. it was only when I began to look introspectively did I notice that at the all my mistakes grew from the root of insecurity.
ah, that old thing.
I realised that in my 19 years of life I had never loved myself. ever. and the validation I received from my ex was never going to be sustainable even if we were together because I was using him to cover a wound that I forgot was open. so I ripped off the plaster and I took a look at myself and I noticed that there was nothing kind I could say about myself.
I think that broke me more than my break up ever did.
I realised I had never actually believed I was worthy of love and suddenly my being became very small. I curled into myself, seeking shelter, but after all the coldness I gave myself over the years there was no one to turn to. I wanted to be able to find comfort in myself.
so how on earth do you start?
well for me it came down to three things:
self-acceptance
acknowledgement and acceptence of attachment styles
kindness
you are the only forever in your existence; it’s a tough pill to swallow but it is true. people come and go, lives get lost in time and places tend to undergo change but you remain. you cannot lose yourself and honestly why should you want to? you are worth finding. you are worth knowing. you are worth loving. by accepting that the body that you live in is yours, and the mind that you think in is yours, you become one step closer to self love and acceptance.
I’d recommend a journal - I typically put everything in mine (my day, my feelings, my thoughts on the news, reviews of books, etc). once you have one I’d like you to try out one of these prompts: write a list of things you love about yourself or write a love letter to yourself. now at first this may seem daunting but over time the aim is to make the lists or the letters longer!
secondly, I started learning about attachment styles (those being secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised/fearful-avoidant) and unsurprisingly found out I had an anxious attachment style.
as I started reading about the behaviours and thoughts accustomed to those anxiously attached individuals it was as if I had seen colour for the first time. the world became clearer, lighter, and most definitely brighter in the sense that now it could be understood. validation and affirmation are at the centre of anxiously attached individuals and the manner of scrutinising your partner’s patterns of behaviour and linking it to your self-worth was a habit I had unconsciously been making for most of my adolescence.
it’s important to recognise that most attachment styles undergo a certain degree of stigma, excluding those who are securely attached. I’d like you to simply let the stigma go - this may sound easy in theory but it is vital to merely see it as an explanation for the way you may act and harness this newfound knowledge to help you access the best parts of yourself!!
by realising my longing for reassurance and validation was an extension of my insecurity and anxious attachment style, I realised how often I’d projected that onto my ex boyfriend. though it was never possessive nor manipulative it also wasn’t his fault and suddenly this became something I wanted to change. each time someone took a little longer to respond or perhaps I felt the need to compare myself to others I began self-regulating, repeating phrases such as their actions have nothing to do with my worth, I am enough entirely on my own, the way you act is not the automatic script for others, and so on and so forth.
I cannot express how much this has helped me.
my self love is no longer attached to validation, a man’s response times and the way other people acted. I’ve come to understand the difference between my need for affirmations/reassurance and the anxiously attached need for validation. it takes a while to separate the two but it is possible!
lastly, and most importantly, is kindness.
you cannot hate yourself into being worthy of love - it simply does not work that way. passing by a mirror and reciting words of disgust in your mind is unhealthy and unkind; you would not do this to another person and thus you are deserving of that same treatment.
start being kind to yourself!
compliment yourself out loud. do affirmation meditation in the morning. wear an outfit that you feel confident in. eat when you are hungry. appreciate the body you are in. love yourself completely. you are worthy of everything.
my self love journey is not done but the start line is blurry and further away then it used to be - that is growth. there will always be days where the sun does not shine as brightly but that is all part of the process. we deserve to find peace in ourselves.
we deserve our own love.